2003, 20 years ago, the most unexpected year of my life
In 2003, I collapsed.
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Lessons from a turbulent time.
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Twenty years ago, exactly, I felt the skin of Earth pulling out from my feet: The man I was going to marry left me, out of the blue, in a queue to get tickets for a lake cruise in Locarno.
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That profound romantic Love, the man I would have my kids with (and had already named them together), the man I had lived with in South Africa, USA and Zurich, the man who the day before was declaring his eternal love….that one left me out of nowhere, in the waiting line surrounded with lots of happy people.
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It is hard to describe the immense despair & choc that hit you then.
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I had followed you (the man 😉) everywhere, we had built our moving house together, selected the engagement ring…
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So…So…What? or more like WTF?!
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Without any possibility to peacefully process anything together and discuss, he left 3 weeks after that horrific day to live in the USA, bringing along our entire house belongings in his container. I was on the floor like on this photo with the impossible task to comprehend any of this, so, sorting our house so quickly was just impossible.
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« Take everything, I don’t care » I remember screaming in my raging pain.
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He did and left…and barely ever contacted me again…the man I was going to marry…despite my desperate plea to understand. Suddenly, I was alone, homeless, without much more than some clothes, confused and in deep pain. This was the most surreal time of my life, which took immense time to process and eventually heal.
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That year, 2003, changed me in indescribable ways.
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However, here comes the interesting part of my personal story: That same year, two months earlier that emotional day & life episode, I had stepped into my very first Yoga class, in a time when yoga was not such a thing (was seen more as a dangerous sect in all honesty) and something had clicked.
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I do not want to place meaning where there is none, but I always wondered how come this year, 2003, twenty years ago, left me on the floor like never in my life, but also gave me the entrance key to the most fascinating self enquiry journey, becoming somehow my life path?!
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How come my worst year was also the beginning of my lifetime passion & path…Yoga?
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Maybe there is coincidence, or maybe not…
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It stays as my personal mystery.
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What I learned from that excruciating year and could share to the girl I was back then, and to everyone dealing with heart breaks (or similar), is the following 10 aspects:
1) Even in most profound sense of personal loss and confusion, there is help, there is. You are not alone. There was immense help for me (in time where self-help books were not such a thing either!). My bed side book was The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and that was kind of about it….My family was my life savior (they breathed for me until I could do it on my own again), my friends, but also my work which gave me back a sense of personal purpose. You are not alone. I promise you babe.
2) Don’t put your money into your love’s bank account. So funny writing this, ha! Just some advice from a useless romantic. If you can, earn your own money and put it in our own bank account!
3) Learn to find acceptance in feeling lost. For months there was no idea on what was next, I just moved one day at the time. Luckily, I had found refuge in my Parisian student flat which I had kept (another mystery). I had a wonderful job that pulled me back into financial safety, a sense of purpose and gave me much more.
4) Take all the time you need. There is no standard timing for personal healing.
5) Take tiny steps first until they become bigger steps.
6) Do what makes you feel a bit better in a healthy way and do that a lot. I was lucky to had found immense curiosity in this strange yoga thing and that kept me interested in Life. In Paris back then, there was truly not much yoga offered anywhere. My private weekly class with this Indian yoga teacher in his studio of 10m2 (if not smaller!) was my breath of fresh air. I had no clue what I was studying back then but I knew it was soothing me somehow.
7) As much as you are not alone, you are also alone. Try to learn to be self-sustainable, that will become fuel to your graceful power.
8) Cry/Scream as much as you want.
9) Fairy tales rarely exist, and neither do charming princes/princesses…Sorry! Romantic relationships tend to be more complicated than in fairy tales.
10) YOU WILL LOVE AGAIN. In fact, probably better….And, your heart will be probably holding compassion for everyone in ways like never before.
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Who can relate to this?
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Twenty years ago, exactly, my life took a completely different path as I had envisaged.
I am not sure if I am happier or less (I do not know what the other path would have been made of) but the ultimate learning I kept from that turbulent time, is knowing that Life does unfold in the most unexpected ways. It is as much as miracle as it is not.
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This unexpected continues to happen….and along the way, it does seem to become easier to live the unexpected.
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To the unexpected mystery I cannot always comprehend, I bow.
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Lovingly, ❤️🌺❤️
